I’m Liz Widman- a wife, lover of laughter and moments captured, determined to help the socially-mute find their voices, a women on a strenuous journey towards happiness in Jesus.
Grey. A color most overlooked. A color, if you could call it that, blended with black- the absorption of all colors, and white-the absence of color. Grey, the in-between, the neither here nor there, the monkey in the middle struggling to be seen for something. Grey, a place of wrestling, un-compartmentalized, seemingly misplaced, lacking value, and above all- misunderstood.
Grey- where we find nourishment. I would say Ann Voskamp described it well in her book, One Thousand Gifts. She explains that Manna, the bread that rained from Heaven to nourish the Israelites as they wandered through the desert (Gen. 16), literally means, “What is it?”. For the Israelites did not know what the bread was composed of. BUT God sent Manna to NOURISH them, therefore they ate. “They ate the mystery”, Voskamp writes (p. 22). She challenges her readers to allow the mysteries of their lives to nourish them- a daunting task.
Isn’t the grey representation of the mysterious? Black is darkness, the wilderness in our lives maybe, depression, anxiety, all things unsettling. White is the light, seemingly good, transparent, ah-ha thoughts, mountain top experiences, peaceful encounters, all things exposed. But grey- a blend of the two, how can that be? It boggles our minds and begs for definition. Amidst the grey, the indefinable, we find nourishment
How though? How do I find peace in the night terrors, the fits of anxiety, the breathless pleas for reprieve, the weeks jam packed with appointments and meetings and conversations draining me of vibrancy? Because that’s when I must TRUST. Ahhh, a word broken in tiny pieces time after time. A word held together by gauze, stitches, duct tape, anything that will hold.
My grey area of grey areas. And yet it’s what God desires- our trust. It is of utmost importance in the grey because in the uncertainty of grey we cannot make sense of our relationships, our situations, our emotions, our intuitions. Trust, the only choice we have in uncertainty. However, we have choices in trusting- we can trust ourselves (probably my best bet), we can trust those close to us (past experiences say NO!), or we can trust God (….). I often default to the first, I have control that way. I have pseudo-power in “control”. But in the grey when I trust myself, I tend to end up in swirling waters of desperation- no peace, no joy, no happiness, no breath. When all I must do is trust in God, the One whose ways are higher than mine (Is. 55), who has seen all things (Heb. 4:13), who gives new names (Gen. 17:5), and in the stillness of my trust, I will rise above the waves floating on my back- still in the grey, yes, but in peace and comfort trusting that God can define the grey, whether its revealed to me or not.
Trusting-my grey area, but also a necessity in the grey. Quite the catch-22 if you ask me. Nevertheless, a work in progress.